Inspired by one critic’s whirlwind tour of Hudson...
The last time I was in New York City, I had several vivid experiences which transformed me into an expert on the Big Apple.
First, I saw a young immigrant standing on a busy street corner, trying to hand out flyers for a nearby sample sale. Hundreds of passers-by were callously ignoring him. From this I concluded that New York City no longer welcomes immigrants.
Then I saw several panhandlers, plus a homeless man sleeping on flattened cardboard boxes. From this I divined that there are no more apartments, jobs or compassion to be found in New York City.
Next, I witnessed a taxi having a fender-bender with a delivery van. The drivers were screaming and making obscene gestures at each other. It looked like they might even fight! From this I made a firm vow never to drive or ride in a vehicle anywhere in the City.
While observing this fracas, a bus pulled up before me. My face was blasted with diesel exhaust from a large vent on its side. From this I determined that everyone in NYC will die young from lung cancer.
So instead I ducked into the subway. Immediately I noticed a lot of spray-painted graffiti on the advertisements. Also, people had scratched their names into the glass of the subway doors. From this I recognized with terror that I was surrounded by vandals.
Seeking respite from the streets, I visited a famous art gallery. There were no other patrons of the arts inside. The chilly receptionist did not even look up to acknowledge my presence. From this I perceived that the NYC art scene is dead.
Later, passing by a well-reviewed downtown restaurant, I saw a rat emerge from its dumpster, which emitted a foul reek of rotting food. From this I learned that one should never dine at a well-reviewed downtown restaurant.
I decided to leave immediately, and walked rapidly back to the train station. Along the way, a fire engine passed at high speed, a deafening siren clearing its path.
From this I realized that the whole City was on fire. I hastily bought a ticket for the next train out, and fled.
But my brief visit was not entirely wasted. I am now considered a local authority on New York City, and my friends love to to be regaled with stories of my hair-raising experiences there.
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