- Council members gain ability to see 50 years into future
- Discovery of Ricktonite expected to revolutionize local politics
HUDSON, N.Y. — In a bombshell revelation, the City of Hudson Common Council announced on Wednesday that its members have attained full-fledged super powers.
“All but two of our Aldermen recently gained the ability to see far into the future,” said Council President Donald Moore at a press conference held at the offices of A. Colarusso & Sons, Inc., just across the line in Greenport.
“This newly-acquired super-vision allows the Council to see as much as fifty years ahead with absolute, perfect accuracy,” Moore added.
The hastily-convened press conference came on the heels of the Council’s 10-to-1 vote to prevent future elected officials from changing Hudson’s Waterfront zoning in any way, or using eminent domain at that location, for the next fifty years.
“Fifty years ago, many thing were different than today,” 5th Ward Alderman and Taghkanic resident Carmine Pierro reminisced, pushing Moore from the podium and speaking from typewritten notes.
“Cable television, email, and the world wide web did not exist. There was no such thing as Medicare or Medicaid. Roe vs. Wade had not yet protected a woman’s right to choose. There were still segregated restaurants and funeral homes. American car companies dominated the global auto market. And the cement industry, God bless it, dominated our local economy.
“But we now understand that things aren’t going to continue changing,” Pierro added. “Hudson history has come to a standstill. With our new ability to see fifty years ahead, we are 100% certain that the City will be just the same in 2063 as it is today in 2013.
“Therefore, we predict that Hudson’s waterfront needs and vision will not change whatsoever over the next five decades. Even though a few malcontents say that LWRPs are supposed to be living, breathing, adaptable documents, we can say with absolute confidence that the current plan won’t need any changes for well beyond our lifetimes.
“We also are confident that no future Aldermen will ever think differently than we do,” concluded Pierro.
The Council’s new super powers of foresight were acquired, 3rd Ward Alderman John Friedman Esq. explained, thanks to the discovery by Paul Colarusso of a powerful metallic substance in the City’s former backup water supply off Newman Road, at the bottom of a soon-to-be-revived quarry.
“I’m a lawyer, not a scientist. But from what I understand it’s sort of like Kryptonite,” explained the ponytailed Friedman, whose crisp seersucker suit featured an American Flag lapel pin. “Exposure to this special magnetic metal, which may have arrived on a meteorite that splashed into the quarry eons ago, conveys astonishing powers of soothsaying.”
“We're thinking of naming it Ricktonite!,” Moore burst in, breathlessly adding that “City Attorney Cheryl Roberts also has super powers, but she got them from being bitten by a radioactive spider while campaigning for Assembly in Spencertown.”
“If only the Council had these powers back in the days of Urban Renewal,” lamented 1st Ward Alderman Nicholas Haddad. “We might never have built Bliss Towers, the Terrace Apartments, the low-rise, or bulldozed so many historic buildings. Imagine what Bill Loewenstein could have achieved if he’d only had a dose of Ricktonite!” Later attempts by reporters to determine whether Haddad was being facetious were unsuccessful, as he had stepped out for a smoke.
The Council took on its new super powers during a top-secret midnight visit to the former backup reservoir. During the hush-hush gathering, which was not publicly-noticed, members cannonballed off a craggy quarry cliff known to teenaged trespassers for generations as “Frankenstein.” Reaching the bottom of the frigid waters, each Alderman grabbed for a handful of Ricktonite—and was instantly enlightened as to the City’s future for the next half-century.
“It was freezing, but it was worth it,” said a still-shivering 4th Ward Alderman Sheila Ramsey. “Luckily, we had emergency heaters and blankets on hand, generously provided at only a nominal charge by the Galvan Initiatives Foundation.”
Two Council members declined, however, to take a dive for the City.
1st Ward Alderman David Marston abstained from the recent Council vote, after obstinately refusing to be exposed to the mystery magnetic metal. Pressed for an explanation, Marston glumly said the substance’s long-term health effects “required more study,” a statement which elicited a chorus of groans from his fellow Aldermen. “I’ve noticed that ever since they got their doses of Ricktonite, my fellow Council members seem even more lethargic and complacent,” Marston retorted.
But to the surprise of many, 5th Ward Alderman Robert “Doc” Donahue also declined to take the polar bear-style plunge, though voting in favor of the fifty-year moratorium on Waterfront changes.
“I’ve always had the power to see into Hudson’s future, thank you very much,” barked Donahue, saying that to learn what will happen next in Hudson politics all he has to do is “just ask Rick himself.”
4th Ward Alderman Sheila Ramsey disagreed very mildly with Donahue’s assessment: “The next time some pesky citizen comes in here, demanding to know whether we think we have a crystal ball to see into the future, we’ll be able to say, Why, yes. Yes, we do.”
In response to questions about whether the City might benefit economically from the discovery of Ricktonite, Moore indicated that Roberts had instructed him that all rights to the super-mineral were held by Colarusso, even though the company is still technically leasing the former quarry from the City.
“If we wanted to try to ‘claw back’ the rights to the discovery, we’d have to repay the company for the lease they’ve held for several years now,” explained Moore. “I’m not sure the power to see into the future is worth a million dollars. We probably couldn’t afford it. But I may ask Cheryl if she’d be willing to advise us further on that during a future executive session. Actually, all that was off the record—I’d prefer you didn’t print it.”
“Now, if only we could also see into the past,” concluded 3rd Ward Alderman and Police Committee member Chris Wagoner, “Then maybe we could solve the City Hall burglary.”